I’ve had enough Valentine’s Days to know what the stresses are on an honest man’s purse. More often than not, the oh-so-ideal woman, which you have every way of knowing at first sight, will pout, glower and moue until she has your attention.From there, things take a number of different routes all of which subside on this ill-fated day, the 14th of every February. Who knows, she might not give a damn about the gold in your pockets, she might actually have that “full-sized aortic pump”, or she might just be the girl-next-door who prides in dusting desks and arranging flowers in vases – giving you a 75% chance that she’s the one you’re looking for. Men never are frank and transparent about their intentions: none of us are assholes, and that means we’re always the exactly the same person who some lucky women think we are. No calculations, no fuss.

This Valentine’s Day, I wish you all the superb luck of –ing up. After all, it is nothing more than a case of “once bitten, twice shy”. It’s something you can do again and again, and you’ll never be left with a cynicism, nothing that can ever be devastating in the context of all future relationships, keeping the amount of trust you can place in another man or woman at those same abuse-worthy levels. This Valentine’s Day, before locking your eyes or your arms with another “soul”, make sure you’re hemmed in from all sides, that every movement of yours is followed around by indubious eyes, that if you ever had anything to say, you were never allowed to say it all. Otherwise, you see, it might be the “perfect girl” that generations of men have been looking for through the ages, and they’re all mythical.

No one said it better than Kanye West.

This year, I wish you a SAFE Valentine’s Day. Condoms can only do so much.

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