It was early in the morn, a couple of hours before my examinations. I was listening to Al Green’s ‘Ain’t No Sunshine’. Apart from our earlier break up, the thought of her always uplifts my soul, gives me a kick in the guts, and keeps me going. I wonder where Al Green got that clarity from to express the feelings of every heartbroken soul with those few words, with that one piece of music. Even when she’s gone, I have those moments, like everyone else like me, when I feel her next to me, and life seems so straightened out. I don’t know how she does it. One thought, and the solution snaps to form before my eyes! “There’s no sunshine when she’s gone… gone away!”. I can think of that so many times.

Before every test, before every quiz, before every interview, before every examination, before every event, before every everything, I have to hear from her. It’s not a placebo; it doesn’t work like a placebo. I know what the trick is: hearing from her makes me see the sun straight in the eyes, I feel radiant, it makes me feel wanted. Although she’s not there anymore, it makes me feel wanted. I know that sounds sad, but there’s no helping it. If it works that way, then let it. Just let it. I’m not doing anything to disturb it. I still love her with all my heart, and she need not love me back. It reminds me of a time when everything was so right, I was left wondering how anything could change at all. If you think I’m an idiot who prefers to stay stuck in his past, then think so. I don’t care! If you think I need to move on, if you think I need to be able to accept my future for what it is and embrace it, I’m not going to. I’m staying here, right in my past, clinging on to the good times. Leave me be.

And all this is not just because Al Green made me speak in his brevity. It’s the feeling, the overwhelming feeling of change that keeps us all yearning for the cocoon of constancy. She kept me happy in a world of change. Is there anyone else who can do that? I don’t think so, and as long as I don’t think so, there’s nothing you can do about it. “Wonder this time where she’s gone…”. Oh, yes, I always think of her. If you think it helps if I don’t talk to her for a few days, you’re wrong. It’s actually the other way round. If she’s missing for a few days, I go mad. When she says “I’ll be around if ever you want anything”, my heart bleeds. I know that if she’s left me, she won’t be around for all my life. Tell me, will you be able to let go of such a dream when you can stay happy all your life? I think not.

But I do know I’m in love with her when I’m ready to sacrifice all my happiness if only I can keep her as happy for the rest of her life. And that means letting her go. As hard as that is something to do, you have to do it. If you love her that much, you gotta let go. If she loves you, she’ll come back one day. And that’s a joy greater than anything: you get to keep up to your promise of eternal joy for her. Isn’t that so beautiful? But it’s so hard to let go! The one thing I dread the most about break ups is not the times after the break up, but the moment when your fingers slip out of each other. That’s when you don’t want the distance between you and her to come to life. You want to kill the moment. You want to stop time right there, and keep her with you. Let the world jeer! I won’t care!

“It’s not warm when she’s away…”. So true. But she’s always gone once she’s gone. So much promise, so much hope, all shattered in a bleak moment of hopelessness. We are all humans, and the feeling of love amongst us is the most comples of all. For all I know, ‘love is blind’ could be a scientific statement! You don’t know what it is to suffer its pangs until it strikes you, and once it does, there’s no cure but for death. But remember, dying is never an option. It’s a moment of cowardice that refuses to fade out. I’d rather stand and fight all my life rather than stay lost for ever. It’s not easy, but it’s love. It’s worth waiting for. It’s worth being around for. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Much better to have loved and won.

Take care,

MV

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